Another day..........lately I've been waking with a feeling of doom and gloom. No interest in doing anything, no enjoyment in anything I do......empty feelings of "what's the point?" ....if I can be bothered to wonder.......but I still worry.......worry, worry worry........I employ my coping strategies with the same enthusiasm......I just do it because I don't want to spiral down but often I do anyway. I put on my mask and do my "stand up" act.....I deserve an oscar. How can I tell people just how soul destroying this all feels. I've been trying to work on trying to recognise expressions on people's faces but I usually think they're bored or angry.....they wouldn't tell me would they? I can't look into eyes.....if I even think about it, I'm consumed with excruciating embarrassment and discomfort......I use a technique whereby I don't focus but look generally at the middle of faces or I focus beyond the face but if I realise what I'm doing, I have to look away. I'm inappropriate but hide it by being "zany".....#whatamilike.......I have no idea what to say in a conversation unless there is a definite topic.....I never think to ask people questions about themselves, I just talk about me.....I get carried away and over share.....I usually regret opening my mouth.......I never enjoy chatting but appear "chatty" I've learnt stock phrases......I talk about the weather but rarely about things I have an opinion on in case, the other person doesn't agree because I'm frightened of offending.....I can ask "How have you been?" but it's never spontaneous. Yet I care deeply about friends and family and worry about them. I often don't understand what people are telling me but can't ask them to explain because I'm too embarrassed but also because I don't know how to.....I don't know what to say, what words to use, how to say it. When I do ask, it often sounds rude or tactless......I often apologise. Some people are so used to me, they don't mind but it's been a life long problem. I know other people have problems too and don't think I'm "special" but I rarely meet anyone who really understands me......when I try to explain, people often say "I'm like that" when they clearly aren't. I notice details that others don't but don't see the elephant in the room. I don't know why people are so nasty to one another. I sometimes get angry but it's more frustrated and irritable but I never hate them, never bear a grudge and can't understand revenge......why would I want to hurt anyone? Yet I worry all the time that I do hurt people by my words and actions. I try very hard to think first but I never know what I'm going to say......and I do things impulsively. I become consumed in tasks.....and things have to be done right......although my standards have slipped by necessity with my health problems. I'm never satisfied with what I do :( I'm exhausted now.....can't think any more.
